The Battle of Walter's Heckle

You know the Labour Party conference is in a bad way when this year's political highlight was the ejection of an 82-year-old, mild-mannered heckler.

Read on...

Saint Jamie saves America from itself

Fresh from his victory in persuading the UK government to spend more on school meals, Jamie Oliver is hoping to do the same across the Atlantic.

Interviewed in London's Evening Standard, the celebrity chef and mockney geezer revealed he's in talks with television producers to do a US version of 'Jamie's School Dinners'. 'It's such an important project,' he said. 'Americans are so bloody unhealthy. I saw so many fat people over there and they're dropping dead all over the f***ing place.'

America will presumably be treated to the same pro-organic, anti-parent propaganda we watched here, heavily seasoned with junk science and a dim view of the masses. Better meals might result in the long-run, but in the short term the effect of the programme has been to cut the numbers of kids choosing school meals, and longer working hours for dinner ladies. There have even been hints of strike action in Greenwich, the borough where the series was filmed, as catering staff do unpaid overtime to produce his food.

Still, Oliver is a man on a mission. 'Even if it took two years to make a US series, I'd still do it,' adds Oliver. 'I'd drop everything because I'd feel it was my duty.' He'd like American kids to be forced to eat focaccia and salad. Let's hope he's forced to eat humble pie.

Jamie: I've been a miserable father, Evening Standard, 28 September 2005

Hard to swallow, spiked

Harry, the pointless prince: a follow-up

I saw a new satirical comedy show the other night on BBC3 - I think is was called Seven Days. It was basically a bunch of comedians who aren't good enough to get their own show commenting on the news. Cheap and cheerful - perfect for the new age of digital TV.

And they were really laying in to Harry. At first, I thought this was at best mildly amusing but generally a bit cheap. An easy target is Harry. But then it got to the point where it just become overwhelmingly cynical. There was simply no respect given at all. Now, Harry has done nothing himself to earn any respect. But he is still third in line to the crown, and the monarchy is an institution with a long and powerful history. In failing to recognise that there is something there with some standing, even if it is much reduced, the message is simply that nothing at all should command respect.

We should recognise that the monarchy does represent a body of power and influence in society - and we should do our level best to abolish it for that very reason. Instead all we get is childish cynicism from the state's very own broadcaster. And such is the loss of any kind of sense of mission amongst the establishment that ridiculing the monarchy is completely unremarkable.

The Labour conference: What's the point?

Once upon a time, the annual Labour Party conference was the highest decision-making body of the party and there was a sense that, bureaucratic and stultifying though it was, there were real political battles going on. The leadership pretty much always ignored the decisions of conference, but they felt extremely embarrassed about doing so.

Now, although nominally the conference is still supreme, it is largely irrelevant as a policy-making and discussion forum. Instead, we have a series of set-piece speeches given to a largely passive audience and mostly for the benefit of the outside world.  There might be the odd moment where the unions or the left celebrate some minor victory but even these are few and far between – and of absolutely no consequence outside of the rarified atmosphere of the conference hall. The leadership have even managed to prevent any debate on Iraq this year.

So, yesterday we had the first of the big speeches, by Gordon Brown. For a chancellor of the exchequer, it is interesting where he sees his big successes: cancelling third world debt; depriving his office of any control over the economy by handing it to the Bank of England; and economic stability.

The other successes seem, well, a little bit tame. ‘Labour the party of the first ever winter allowance, the first ever free TV licenses, the first ever national system for free local bus travel and the first ever Pension Credit helping two million pensioners: all measures on our way to ensuring that not just some but all our pensioners have justice and dignity in retirement.’ It’s not exactly catchy. I’d hate to try and write it on a banner.

His ‘big idea’ was… education. ‘We the Labour Party understand that in this new world a nation cannot be first in prosperity if you are second in education. So our economic goal now and for the future must be to become the world's number one power in education.’ While other countries make things, Britain sees its future as producing a mass army of consultants, it would seem.

I think we can expect more of this during the week, precisely as described by Frank Furedi in his new book ‘Politics of Fear’. With progressives giving up on the idea of a different future, and conservatives giving up on sustaining tradition, we are left with an overwhelming sense of presentism, with change being extremely gradual and regarded as a problem. All covered in bum-numbing detail on rolling news. With due respect to Gil-Scott Heron, the evolution will be televised, ad nauseum.

Talking of respect… While education is, in a lot of ways, Labour’s old big idea, it’s new big idea is Respect. They want to set a ‘Respect Agenda’. Talking to John Denham, a former Home Office minister on Today this morning, John Humphrys asked him not just what it meant, but what it could possibly mean. Even Denham was at a loss. Possibly, it means being nice to each other. He wasn’t sure.

With ideas like Respect being presented as the big ideas, it’s no wonder that all the conference hype has been about the succession from Blair to Brown. It’s like having the king on his deathbed, waiting for word from the palace that he’s finally popped his clogs. What is interesting is just how deferential they are to Brown. While he’s usually depicted as dour and boring, there is such a widespread desperation for change that criticism is almost entirely directed at Blair who is being most obstreperous in being unwilling to shuffle stage left.

The self-conscious message of Brown’s speech is: don’t expect anything new when I become prime minister. Given that Brown already lives in the apartments at 10 Downing Street, he’s not even going to have to move house.

Waiting for Gordo

A Samuel Beckett play, and the Labour Party conference. One is an excruciating exercise in futility and pointlessness. And the other is 'Waiting for Godot'.

With Tony Blair having already decided to stand down before the next General Election, and Gordon Brown clearly the heir apparent, all the pre-conference hype has been about when the succession will take place. Blair looks like a lame duck prime minister looking for one last initiative to secure his legacy. Brown is trying not to screw it up at the last minute by trying to be all things to all people in the party, making a self-consciously Blairite speech to keep any doubters on side.

This could be a recipe for political paralysis were it not for the fact that there's very little in the way of politics. There is no difference of substance, not just between Blair and Brown, but between anyone on the UK's political spectrum. Contemporary policy amounts to petty managerialism, and the battle of ideas has become a rancourous dispute between personalities and cliques. Tony and Gordon's on-going squabble is merely the most visible symptom of this.

Beckett's play was famously summarised as 'nothing happens, twice'. The next few days in Brighton are likely to make 'Waiting for Godot' seem action-packed.

Apple: no plans for 'Nigel'

You can now have your iPod laser-engraved with any words you like - as long as it's nothing offensive.

A visit to the Apple UK online store enables you to buy an iPod and have two short lines of text added on the back. But Apple has added a slightly peculiar form of censorship. Blatantly offensive words are out - so bang goes your chance to complement your bling with an iPod emblazoned with 'Bad Mothafucka' or some other hip-hop epithet. Clearly, Apple doesn't want to have its brand associated with anything derogatory - especially with sexual or racial connotations.

That's understandable, although it represents another petty nod to politically correct etiquette. Surely if we're prepared to shell out over £200 for a music player, they could at least let us decide what was written on it.

However, is Apple operating its own form of petty discrimination - against people called Nigel? Try as you might, it is impossible to have this name engraved - along with variations like Nige or Nigella. It could just be that some web developer at Apple is having a laugh at the expense of a friend. It might just be a glitch. Or is the name Nigel just too squeaky clean and middle class for an edgy brand like Apple's?

Which is kind of ironic since the squarest and most middle-class musician on the planet, Chris Martin, decided to christen his first-born daughter 'Apple'.

Apple declares wars on Nigels, The Register, 19 September 2005

Harry the pointless prince

Twenty-one year Prince Harry has been giving interviews to mark his coming of age. Oh dear.

In many respects, Harry has been living up to the reputation of second-born princes as irresponsible wastrels with rugger bugger tendencies - just like Uncle Andrew. His crowning glory in this regard was turning up at a fancy-dress party dressed as a Nazi.

But while he's training to be an Army officer at Sandhurst, he's keen to stress that his heart lies elsewhere - his work with AIDS victims in Lesotho. It's the dying Africans making the prince feel better, not the other way round. 'It's amazing how appreciative they are for even the smallest things. You give them a tennis ball and they think it's Christmas,' he told the press.

Harry is reportedly trying to follow in the footsteps of his mother, Diana, who wanted to feel our pain instead of lording it over us. Unfortunately for the royals, the gauche prince reveals the naked narcissism of these sentiments. Anyone for tennis?

Prince: I'll carry on Diana's work, Scotsman, 15 September 2005

The Ashes of shared experience

Thousands of people have been in Trafalgar Square celebrating England's cricket victory over Australia. Any excuse for a party.

For an England cricket team to defeat the Australians is a tremendous achievement, especially given the almighty beatings that the Aussies have been dishing out in every series since England last won, in Australia, nearly 20 years ago. You can't blame cricket fans and sports commentators for getting more than a little overexcited.

However, why there should be such interest in the matches more generally is less obvious. After all, cricket is far more of a minority sport than in the past. Few could name more than one or two of the England players; nor did they take much interest in the series when England were losing heavily in the first match at Lord's. This victory does not represent a new golden age for English cricket.

It is the latest in a long line of Shared National Experiences, large and small, from Diana's funeral to winning the 2012 Olympics bid. For the majority of participants, they are there because everyone else is there, in the hope that something profound or memorable might happen. They want to have a good answer to the question, 'Where were you when...?'

Even big political demonstrations, like those against the Iraq war or to defend foxhunting, have taken on something of this character. As such, the effect of these events is usually fleeting. However, there is a sense of power and purpose in a crowd which makes a desire for 'being there' quite understandable. Shame it's only in aid of a cricket match.

Fans hail England's Ashes heroes, BBC News, 13 September 2005

The myth of 'Apocalypse N.O.'

Reports warn that the next big problem to hit New Orleans will be disease - but the only things reaching epidemic proportions are rumour and speculation.

After all the discussion about looting, rape and murder, hacks are waiting with pencils sharpened for signs of a major disease outbreak in the polluted and stagnant waters of the city. This week, it was reported that five people had died from a cholera-related illness. Outbreaks of cholera, typhoid, malaria and West Nile virus have all been contemplated.

But even America's official disease watchers, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, believe the risks have been overstated. Cholera, typhoid and dengue fever weren't present in the area and they can't appear out of nowhere. That's because these diseases, along with malaria, have long since been defeated in the USA. The infection that has claimed some lives so far, vibrio vulnificus, kills a few dozen people on the Gulf Coast each year anyway - a situation that is unlikely to change. And the winds scared away or killed the birds that might have spread West Nile virus.

The media sharks circling around the Katrina-battered city will just have to carry on searching for fresh meat.

Health risks in the South may have been overstated, CBS 5, 8 September 2005