We are faced with a period of national crisis. One of Britain's dearest cultural traditions is under threat: Terry Wogan is thinking of quitting his role as the BBC's wry commentator on the Eurovision Song Contest.
Wogan has been commentating on the contest since 1973 and is such an institution in Eurovision that he was namechecked both by the Serbian presenters on Saturday night and in Ireland's failed entry (performed by a puppet called Dustin the Turkey). But on Saturday, 'Our Tel' seemed thoroughly disenchanted. After mentioning the impending retirement of the BBC's Eurovision producer, Kevin Bishop, Wogan sighed: 'He and I have to decide whether we want to do this again. Indeed, Western European participants have to decide whether they want to take part from here on in because their prospects are poor.'
It is unlikely that there is any great conspiracy in Eurovision voting against the big western nations. It's more a case of people with similar backgrounds tending to vote for each other. The biggest problem for the UK has been the quality of our entrants. In recent years, we've had a glut of reality TV losers, including Abraham, and no-marks who've never had a music career at all. No performer with a live career would risk humiliation by competing against many very creditable performers in a singing contest widely viewed as a bit of a joke back home.
Could this refusal to take part have anything to do with the oh-so-ironic TV commentary of a certain Sir Terry Wogan, by any chance? While ridiculing the acts in years gone by was certainly great fun - days when you could rely on a group of Lappland reindeer herders to turn up and give us a tune - those days are long gone.
Russia's winning entry was produced by the top R&B man in the world right now, Timbaland. Terry probably thinks Timbaland is a DIY store. The daft roller skater that Wogan ridiculed performing with Russia's winning entry is the current Olympic figure skating champion. The Russians took this contest deadly seriously while we entered a former binman.
And if you want to talk about being overwhelmed by someone else's culture, think about this: while the contest was hosted in Belgrade, the whole show was presented in English, with the odd bit of token French translation. Of the 25 entrants, 17 were partly or wholly sung in English - including the French entry, something that caused a certain amount of controversy amongst our garlic-munching cousins. (It was the best song on the night, though.)
Eurovision has moved on from the 'glory' days when it was won by such mighty tunes as 'Boom Bang-a-Bang' and 'Din Dang Dong'. Maybe it's time for Wogan to move on, too.
